This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
