Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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