Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize