i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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