happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i'm going through the NYU 2014 group looking for future drunken hookups. too slutty?
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
