i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
