I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
