Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
