Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
