Please, let me fuck your mom
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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