yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
