I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
