I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
