So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
