I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
is it fun? or sober?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize