How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
i've created a new STD.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
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