he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
His hands were made for my vagina.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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