High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
