This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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