Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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