In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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