i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
worst night to have a conscience
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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