My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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