I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
