No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
