You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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