Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
