My friends, they love my intelligence
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
