yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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