fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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