So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
