i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So much rum. So many feels.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
We need to get me chipped asap
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
