If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
