Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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