just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
