That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
