I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
