He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
