i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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