Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
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