i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
