im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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