remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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