I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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