Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
