I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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