so that wasnt chicken after all
can u get pink eye on your cock?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Randomize