I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
