i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
