I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
