he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
