you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Randomize
