dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
