She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
