my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
