You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Don't EVER smell your tampon
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
