Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
