this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
