booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
