i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize