Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
my being single is dangerous.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
