i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I'm bleeding and have questions
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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