We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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