I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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