Where is the hickey?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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