my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
