Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
We are all done wearing pants today
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
