Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
