My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You took a bar mat shot.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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